vetting of political ads

When I Become King ... any political ad shown on television would have to be vetted first, by the BBC. If it's found to distort things (Obama's ad about how McCain can't use a PC) or be an outright lie (most everything "approved by John McCain") it could not be aired.

That should cut down the number of political commercials by what .. 83%?

the fairness doctrine

When I Become King ... the Republic Party's mantra of "let the market forces decide" (versus government oversight) will become the law of the land.

That means that instead of all these bailouts (Freddie Mae, Fannie Mac, Bear Stearns) they'd be allowed to fail. Period.

Memo to the GOP: you can't have it both ways forever. Bailing out your "friends" while letting others fail isn't fair. Then again, that word has probably been purged from The Official Republic Party Dictionary.

warning sign

In light of this news story:

"There has been an upsurge of measles cases in the United States, mostly because of parents’ misguided fears of vaccinations."

When I Become King ... any child who has not been vaccinated due to their parents' choice will be forced to get a tattoo in a prominent place on their body, to serve as a warning to others that their mere presence could be fatal to their sane-parent classmates.

I'm thinking something subtle - like a yellow "Star of David" in the middle of their forehead.

Special Meals Filter

Dining in restaurants (QSR / fast food) can be challenging for anyone on a diet. The problem is there are dozens of diets, so restaurants face a nightmare when they try to cater to every audience.

When I Become King ...

All food menus (both paper and overhead sign) will be printed with a special treatment which allows filters (think 3D goggles) to screen out everything that's not on Your Special Meal, thus making choices much easier. The cost of the program would be borne/bourne by those buying the filters - low sodium; low carb; vegetarian; etc.
Items which don't fit your special meal (diet) would be blacked out.

may I see your PER card, please?

When I Become King ... everyone (citizen or not) will be issued a PER card. Failure to present it to anyone-who-asks will subject the person to immediate execution.

PER = Politics Ethnicity Religion

Each person will thus have a three-character code to distinguish themself. This will make it far simpler to know how to properly hate our fellow earth-dwellers.

Here's a sample:

	Politics	Ethnicity	Religion
RIC	Republican	Irish	Catholic
LAB	Libertarian	Armenian	Buddist
DJJ	Democrat	Japanese	Jewish
GAA	Green	African	Atheist

Eventually, I'd like to see this implemented as a tattoo on each of our foreheads, although the funding and design of that is yet to be determined.

frozen water

When I Become King ... any food merchant who puts ICE in a container shall charge LESS than if it contained no ice at all.

I just bought a small Diet Coke at a QSR and paid 75 cents; after consuming the elegant nectar, I discovered the cup had been HALF filled with ice. I know the QSRs simply buy Coca-Cola syrup (concentrate) and add their own water at the final stage, so .. their cost for my 6oz drink was about 2¢ (or less).

Sure, the styrofoam cup that it came in probably costs another few cents .. so let's be generous (the ice adds some cost) and assume a 5¢ cost versus a 75¢ return .. a 1500% return. Just wait until the Feds hear about this racket.

dealing with spammers

When I Become King ... all spammers will be caught. They will then be forced to sit naked in a cage, in the corner of a Wal-Mart parking lot, defecating and urinating on each other -- for two months (perhaps eating each others' feces, to both entertain the Wal-Mart shoppers and serve as a message to anyone who thinks they should be a spammer, too). Cannibalism will be encouraged.

At the end of those two months, any survivors will be transported to a factory where they will be ground up (live) and turned into rat poison.

At least -- in the end -- they will have served a useful function.

Happy Valentine's Day, by the way ...

Response 101

When I Become King ... I will introduce the radical concept of "Responding Likewise" which simply means that if I send an email to my Loyal Subjects, they will reply via email. Not by snail mail, fax, or (heaven forbid) telephone.

Naturally, if the matter is URGENT it'll be okay to change the method of communication, but anyone who - by default - replies to an email with a phone call - will be ignored the first time. Then castrated upon the second occurrence. Then executed upon the third occurrence.

cure for those who cannot multitask

When I become King, nobody's cellphone will work while moving more than 10 miles/hour. Except mine, of course.

Automobile Insurance Made Easy

When I become King, one of my first acts will be to have all poor people deported. It doesn't matter if they (and their ancestors) were born here; the fact that they're living in America below the poverty line should be enough justification to send them to a third world county (like Canada).

I thought about this after reading an item in the Dallas Managed News about a bed-wetting judge who doesn't like all the people without auto insurance who enter his courtroom. He seems to think that drivers should have insurance .. oh, please. Doing the math: $500/year (the cost of a minumum policy) comes out to $9.62 per week (a little less than a 12-pack of Tecate).

Now, if I'm just trying to get by, which am I going to choose: insurance, or beer? Man, this judge just doesn't get it.

Ref: Automobile Insurance Made Easy

NO politics as usual

When I Become King ... political parties will be banned. Voters with an IQ of 100 or more will be required to vote, but only after passing a pre-election test that demonstrates their basic knowledge of the candidates or issues to be voted upon. Those voters will have to make their choices based on something other than political party membership.

Any mention (by the candidate) of their party or religious affiliation will be cause for nullifying their candidacy.

plastic recycling

When I Become King ... Liquid Fabric Softener will be sold only in cardboard "refill" containers.

People have become too accustomed to buying a new plastic container every time they get fabric softener, putting an unnecessary strain on the plastic recyclers. New: this will also apply to liquid laundry soap (currently I know of no companies that sell refills of that consumable).

Young Smokers

When I Become King ... high school students will be tested bimonthly (that's 6x/year for you Math Wizards) for nicotine in their systems, to see who's experimenting with smoking. Those with small amounts will be required to stay after school for an hour. Moderate amounts -- 2 hours a day. Heavy smokers -- an extra 4 hours a day. .. and they cannot smoke during this "imprisonment".

Funding for guards and "prison facility" will come from (even higher) taxes on cigarettes.

If anything can keep kids from making this stoopid choice - smoking - it's a restriction of their freedom.

memo to the American Tobacco Farmers: you're little more than mass murderers. You had the choice of planting something edible, or something that kills. Deal with it.

no more attachments

When I Become King ... politicians will no longer be allowed to attach one bill to another. Unrelated items should remain unrelated. Often something distasteful is added to a controversial bill, to ensure its defeat.

Example: a campaign ethics law gets an attachment to allow dog fighting. Result: no dog fighting, and no ethics reform.

custom-designed consumer products

When I Become King ... it will be easier to custom-design consumer products.

Last weekend, I spent an hour (or more) surfing for a new clock radio. Not just any clock radio: I wanted one that contains

• an iPod dock and
• syncs to NIST-F1 (commonly called an "atomic clock")

Sadly, there is no such device .. yet. Since this would seem to be easy to design, why can't I buy a Component Clock that allows me to merge those functions?

voter IQ

When I Become King ... votes will be weighted by IQ score. Anyone with an (average) IQ of 100 gets 1.00 votes. Anyone with an IQ of 140 gets 1.40 votes, and so forth.

For those of you who voted for George W. Bush, your 70 IQ will get you 0.70 votes.

If you voted for him twice (2000 and again in 2004) your vote becomes 0.70^2 which is 0.49 votes.

Anyone in Texas who voted for him (versus Ann Richards) gets 0.70^3 or 0.34 votes.

keyboards

When I Become King, the first thing I'll do is mandate keyboards with more spacing between the keys, so there won't be as many typos.