warning sign

In light of this news story:

"There has been an upsurge of measles cases in the United States, mostly because of parents’ misguided fears of vaccinations."

When I Become King ... any child who has not been vaccinated due to their parents' choice will be forced to get a tattoo in a prominent place on their body, to serve as a warning to others that their mere presence could be fatal to their sane-parent classmates.

I'm thinking something subtle - like a yellow "Star of David" in the middle of their forehead.

Special Meals Filter

Dining in restaurants (QSR / fast food) can be challenging for anyone on a diet. The problem is there are dozens of diets, so restaurants face a nightmare when they try to cater to every audience.

When I Become King ...

All food menus (both paper and overhead sign) will be printed with a special treatment which allows filters (think 3D goggles) to screen out everything that's not on Your Special Meal, thus making choices much easier. The cost of the program would be borne/bourne by those buying the filters - low sodium; low carb; vegetarian; etc.
Items which don't fit your special meal (diet) would be blacked out.

may I see your PER card, please?

When I Become King ... everyone (citizen or not) will be issued a PER card. Failure to present it to anyone-who-asks will subject the person to immediate execution.

PER = Politics Ethnicity Religion

Each person will thus have a three-character code to distinguish themself. This will make it far simpler to know how to properly hate our fellow earth-dwellers.

Here's a sample:

	Politics	Ethnicity	Religion
RIC	Republican	Irish	Catholic
LAB	Libertarian	Armenian	Buddist
DJJ	Democrat	Japanese	Jewish
GAA	Green	African	Atheist

Eventually, I'd like to see this implemented as a tattoo on each of our foreheads, although the funding and design of that is yet to be determined.

frozen water

When I Become King ... any food merchant who puts ICE in a container shall charge LESS than if it contained no ice at all.

I just bought a small Diet Coke at a QSR and paid 75 cents; after consuming the elegant nectar, I discovered the cup had been HALF filled with ice. I know the QSRs simply buy Coca-Cola syrup (concentrate) and add their own water at the final stage, so .. their cost for my 6oz drink was about 2¢ (or less).

Sure, the styrofoam cup that it came in probably costs another few cents .. so let's be generous (the ice adds some cost) and assume a 5¢ cost versus a 75¢ return .. a 1500% return. Just wait until the Feds hear about this racket.

dealing with spammers

When I Become King ... all spammers will be caught. They will then be forced to sit naked in a cage, in the corner of a Wal-Mart parking lot, defecating and urinating on each other -- for two months (perhaps eating each others' feces, to both entertain the Wal-Mart shoppers and serve as a message to anyone who thinks they should be a spammer, too). Cannibalism will be encouraged.

At the end of those two months, any survivors will be transported to a factory where they will be ground up (live) and turned into rat poison.

At least -- in the end -- they will have served a useful function.

Happy Valentine's Day, by the way ...

Response 101

When I Become King ... I will introduce the radical concept of "Responding Likewise" which simply means that if I send an email to my Loyal Subjects, they will reply via email. Not by snail mail, fax, or (heaven forbid) telephone.

Naturally, if the matter is URGENT it'll be okay to change the method of communication, but anyone who - by default - replies to an email with a phone call - will be ignored the first time. Then castrated upon the second occurrence. Then executed upon the third occurrence.

cure for those who cannot multitask

When I become King, nobody's cellphone will work while moving more than 10 miles/hour. Except mine, of course.