Response 101

When I Become King ... I will introduce the radical concept of "Responding Likewise" which simply means that if I send an email to my Loyal Subjects, they will reply via email. Not by snail mail, fax, or (heaven forbid) telephone.

Naturally, if the matter is URGENT it'll be okay to change the method of communication, but anyone who - by default - replies to an email with a phone call - will be ignored the first time. Then castrated upon the second occurrence. Then executed upon the third occurrence.

cure for those who cannot multitask

When I become King, nobody's cellphone will work while moving more than 10 miles/hour. Except mine, of course.

Automobile Insurance Made Easy

When I become King, one of my first acts will be to have all poor people deported. It doesn't matter if they (and their ancestors) were born here; the fact that they're living in America below the poverty line should be enough justification to send them to a third world county (like Canada).

I thought about this after reading an item in the Dallas Managed News about a bed-wetting judge who doesn't like all the people without auto insurance who enter his courtroom. He seems to think that drivers should have insurance .. oh, please. Doing the math: $500/year (the cost of a minumum policy) comes out to $9.62 per week (a little less than a 12-pack of Tecate).

Now, if I'm just trying to get by, which am I going to choose: insurance, or beer? Man, this judge just doesn't get it.

Ref: Automobile Insurance Made Easy

NO politics as usual

When I Become King ... political parties will be banned. Voters with an IQ of 100 or more will be required to vote, but only after passing a pre-election test that demonstrates their basic knowledge of the candidates or issues to be voted upon. Those voters will have to make their choices based on something other than political party membership.

Any mention (by the candidate) of their party or religious affiliation will be cause for nullifying their candidacy.

plastic recycling

When I Become King ... Liquid Fabric Softener will be sold only in cardboard "refill" containers.

People have become too accustomed to buying a new plastic container every time they get fabric softener, putting an unnecessary strain on the plastic recyclers. New: this will also apply to liquid laundry soap (currently I know of no companies that sell refills of that consumable).

Young Smokers

When I Become King ... high school students will be tested bimonthly (that's 6x/year for you Math Wizards) for nicotine in their systems, to see who's experimenting with smoking. Those with small amounts will be required to stay after school for an hour. Moderate amounts -- 2 hours a day. Heavy smokers -- an extra 4 hours a day. .. and they cannot smoke during this "imprisonment".

Funding for guards and "prison facility" will come from (even higher) taxes on cigarettes.

If anything can keep kids from making this stoopid choice - smoking - it's a restriction of their freedom.

memo to the American Tobacco Farmers: you're little more than mass murderers. You had the choice of planting something edible, or something that kills. Deal with it.

no more attachments

When I Become King ... politicians will no longer be allowed to attach one bill to another. Unrelated items should remain unrelated. Often something distasteful is added to a controversial bill, to ensure its defeat.

Example: a campaign ethics law gets an attachment to allow dog fighting. Result: no dog fighting, and no ethics reform.

custom-designed consumer products

When I Become King ... it will be easier to custom-design consumer products.

Last weekend, I spent an hour (or more) surfing for a new clock radio. Not just any clock radio: I wanted one that contains

• an iPod dock and
• syncs to NIST-F1 (commonly called an "atomic clock")

Sadly, there is no such device .. yet. Since this would seem to be easy to design, why can't I buy a Component Clock that allows me to merge those functions?

voter IQ

When I Become King ... votes will be weighted by IQ score. Anyone with an (average) IQ of 100 gets 1.00 votes. Anyone with an IQ of 140 gets 1.40 votes, and so forth.

For those of you who voted for George W. Bush, your 70 IQ will get you 0.70 votes.

If you voted for him twice (2000 and again in 2004) your vote becomes 0.70^2 which is 0.49 votes.

Anyone in Texas who voted for him (versus Ann Richards) gets 0.70^3 or 0.34 votes.

keyboards

When I Become King, the first thing I'll do is mandate keyboards with more spacing between the keys, so there won't be as many typos.